TheDarkWallflower

I love this and want this!

Mon, 20 May 2013 08:49:52 -0400

I love this and want this!

Oh my goodness…the cuteness hurts!

Thu, 16 May 2013 21:39:46 -0400

Oh my goodness…the cuteness hurts!

Oh I am so going to figure out how to make something similar...

Tue, 14 May 2013 16:59:08 -0400

Oh I am so going to figure out how to make something similar that is gluten free.

Love black eyeshadow.

Tue, 14 May 2013 16:44:03 -0400

Love black eyeshadow.

Love this!

Tue, 14 May 2013 07:26:22 -0400

Love this!

This is so true. I need to work on not getting ulcer when I...

Sun, 12 May 2013 22:11:36 -0400

This is so true. I need to work on not getting ulcer when I think about certain aspects of my life.

Photo

Sun, 12 May 2013 22:08:46 -0400

Photo

Sun, 12 May 2013 22:06:00 -0400

Yes I am…even if I’m not enough for others...

Sun, 12 May 2013 19:20:33 -0400

Yes I am…even if I’m not enough for others doesn’t mean they are right.

I used to love the beach. I think it is time for me to rekindle...

Sun, 12 May 2013 16:26:25 -0400

I used to love the beach. I think it is time for me to rekindle my relationship this summer with the beach.

wolves-only: By Jessie LaFontaine

Sun, 12 May 2013 16:24:22 -0400

wolves-only:

By Jessie LaFontaine

The More I Search The More I Find

Sun, 12 May 2013 12:27:03 -0400

So this morning I looked through my husband’s phone. Now that I have the pretty little nurses’s phone number (since forwarding the lovely conversation she was having with my husband to my email), I wanted to see if he had it in his phone. This asshole must think he’s really smart, but man is he stupid. He doesn’t have the number saved by her name. He has it attached to the hospital this gal works at. I’m sure they enjoy lovely text conversations back and forth and I guarantee he deletes them before coming home or throughout the day.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if he has another Facebook account under a random name. I also wonder if he is a member of other websites that I don’t know about. I swear…it gets harder and harder for me to deal with him. I wish I could leave so badly, but that just isn’t an option.

I have been speaking to The Cuban more frequently. I will and could never sink to the level my husband does with The Cuban. As much as I pretty much despise my husband I will remain loyal. The Cuban and I have really formed a great friendship and I am so happy that him and I were able to put aside our previous romantic feelings. He is a friend and absolutely nothing more and him and I have a very firm understanding of that. I finally broke down and spilled everything to him that my husband has done. He told me that his heart breaks for me and understands what I have to…staying for my son. It is so nice to know that someone really understands me.

Well…nothing left to do but sit by, try harder than ever to put a smile on my face even if it is a fake one and focus on my son and I. Going to start a diet tomorrow because I now know there is no way I could ever gain enough weight to have my husband happy. I just need to lose about 15 pounds to return to the weight I was prior to meeting my husband. Time to make myself look and feel the way I like me.

Happy Mother's Day!

Sun, 12 May 2013 12:08:51 -0400

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommas out there, especially the first timers like myself.

My day started early, but my son and I hung out in the kitchen and he watched me make myself some gluten free pancakes. Now we’re at my parents house spending the day with my mother.

Have a good day people!

Love Amelie…

Sun, 12 May 2013 08:03:17 -0400

Love Amelie…

Biggest Asshole Who Has Ever Lived...

Sat, 11 May 2013 16:19:52 -0400

And that would be my husband. I know some of you might be tired of listening to me go on about my issues at home, but blogging here where no one knows me is the only true way I can vent. I understand if you feel the need to unfollow…trust me I do.

Well last night, while my husband was at work, I looked on his computer again. I saw that he didn’t delete the facebook messages going back and forth between that nurse, I had written about in previous posts, he put it in his archived it. Why? So he could get his jollies off reading it on any given day? Well I took the opportunity of copying it and sending it to my email, so now I have it. Not sure why I did…but I really need to stop reading it over and over again because it just makes me more angry. I’m sure the pretty little nurse and him are having a grand time sending texts back and forth to one another…fuck them. I also found some pictures he has saved on his computer…it is actually quite disturbing what I have found. He has pictures of a very voluptuous gal at a wedding him and I went to a few years back…you can tell she didn’t know he was taking the photos of her. How fucking creepy is that? I looked damn hot at that wedding too, but I guess I wasn’t to him. There is also a picture in one of his titled folders “pictures from Android phone” of a gal, who obviously sent him this picture of her over text, of her naked and her tits are huge. I have no idea who she is and what makes me sick is that in that same folder there are pictures of our son when he was pretty little. So the time frame is telling me he received that photo from said gal around the time Finn was about a month old. Real nice, huh? There are also pictures of someone in one of the hospitals he frequents, since he is a paramedic, of a gal and he is focused on her ass. In those photos it also appears that she didn’t know he was taking the photo. What a disgusting mother fucker! Oh and to top it off those pictures were dated a few weeks before our wedding…awesome right? There are photos of another gal in a skirt in some kind of store and it appears she didn’t know that he was taking the picture either. I knew that my husband has an unhealthy obsession with porn (yes porn is a healthy to an extent, but you would see how bad my husband’s problem is if you knew him), but taking photos of gals without them knowing is just plain old creepy. Eww…I am so disgusted.

My husband is so lucky that we have a son together because boy would things be different right now if we didn’t. Just last week I admitted something to my best gal pal that I have not told anyone else. I told her that I love him, but I’m just not in love with him anymore. He has caused me too much pain…I’m so heartbroken. I visited a friend of mine a few weeks ago and she told me that she and her husband would stand behind me if I left my husband. She told me that since my financial situation with my husband is at its worse, leaving him wouldn’t make it any harder for me. This is very true, but I went through a divorce once and honestly I don’t think my parents could take it again…I’m pretty sure with my father’s health issues he wouldn’t survive it…I truly believe it would kill him. I just have to continue to be strong for my son because he is my number one priority. I wish I never met my husband…if I could go back to that day I wouldn’t have shown up at that TGI Fridays. I wish I never married him, but what is done is done. He gave me my gorgeous son and I will never ever regret that little dude. I believe with all of my heart my husband hides a lot more from me than I think. I believe he has cheated on me more than once. I have no faith in him anymore between these issues with other women and photos and him doing what ever he wants when it comes to working the jobs he wants to. It saddens me to say this, but I can’t stop him from doing whatever the hell he wants…he has a serious problem and he has proven to me time and time again that I am just not enough to satisfy him. For about a month I found myself overeating with hopes that if I got bigger he’d want me more. He likes heavier women than I…why the hell did he chose me to be with for the rest of his life then? Ugh…I just don’t know.

Well, it’s time for me to brush all of this aside today because I have a date with a gorgeous 6 1/2 month old. We are celebrating my first Mother’s Day just him and I today…yay!

Fantastic Day With The Little Dude and Evening On My Own

Fri, 10 May 2013 22:09:26 -0400

Today I celebrated my first Mother’s Day the way I wanted to…just him and I. My son Finn is 6 1/2 months old and he is the sweetest little dude. We started out day at a local farm looking at all the farm animals. Then we went to my favorite cafe in the village where we live so I could have lunch. I had Curry Chicken or is it Chicken Curry for the first time today…it was delicious! Then we headed home for a bit and played. After that we headed to the town where my parents live where there is a Friendly’s. I have been dying for an ice cream sundae so I treated myself to mint chocolate chip, marshmellow sauce, whipped cream and a cherry. I brought my son to what I used to call my “secret sanity spot” (a place I used to go to get away from my parents and such when I lived with them). I sat in the backseat of the car with him while he played and watched me eat my ice cream. I even gave him a small little taste of the whipped cream…it was cute. After that we headed to my parents and I spent a little time there until Finn had reached the point where he was so tired and sore from his first tooth coming in. We came home, I gave him a bath, fed him and off to bed he went. I hope he sleeps well…he had quite the eventful day.

My husband is working an overnight shift tonight and I have to say I’m thankful for that…I feel so relaxed without him here. So after my son was all tucked in I poured myself a glass of wine, made myself some gluten free pasta with a special sauce I make when it is just myself eating and sat down to watch my third favorite movie…Amelie. It’s a fabulous French film that won my heart many years ago during a time when I was so down on life…very fitting for the way my life has come full circle again. I love this movie so much…still have it on in the background and I’m sad to see it is going to end shortly. After I finished eating I chatted with a friend over text message and then I gave myself a fantastic manicure and pedicure. I seriously think I did a perfect job and the color is a really awesome green…I love it! Once Amelie is over I plan on checking on the little dude and then tucking myself into bed to read a little before going to sleep. Today has been such a wonderful day…I almost wish it didn’t have to end! After all of the pain and heartache I have been feeling regarding my husband, today is exactly what I needed. I loved everything about today…even the parts where Finn was cranky due to his first tooth coming in. I will cherish the moments I had with my son today until my last day on earth.

Photo

Fri, 10 May 2013 13:43:15 -0400

Aww…so cute!

Fri, 10 May 2013 11:24:08 -0400

Aww…so cute!

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Thu, 09 May 2013 22:57:19 -0400

My First Mother's Day...

Wed, 08 May 2013 21:14:20 -0400

I’m a really excited to celebrate my first Mother’s Day with my little dude Finn. This child has changed my life so much and I love him more than anything else in this entire world. It turns out my mother-in-law is coming for a visit this weekend and I’m not really too sure how I feel about this. Instead of my husband asking me what I’d like to do for my first Mother’s Day, he went ahead told me that he was going to ask his parents to come visit and then for Father’s Day we would visit them in Long Island. Hey, I’m cool with my husband deciding to visit his family for his day, but how about me…it is my day and I guess that doesn’t seem to matter.

My mother-in-law ruined my labor and delivery for me when Finn was born…looks like she is going to do it again for my first Mother’s Day. My husband’s parents were originally coming just for the day on Saturday, but my husband came home today and announced that he has convinced them to stay through Sunday. FUCK ME!!!! I wanted to have a day with just my husband, son and I. I was hoping to walk around opening day of town’s Farmer’s Market and then have breakfast at my favorite cafe. I was even going to tell my parents I wasn’t going to visit with them like I usually do on Sundays because I was going to celebrate with just Finn and my husband. No one asked me what I wanted to do…it makes me feel so unimportant…like I don’t really exist. Now if I don’t stop and visit my parents for a bit on Sunday they will feel jealous because my in-laws had time with me on my first Mother’s Day…ugh…I swear I just live to make the others around me happy. So I guess tomorrow I’m going to ask my mother what she was planning to do for dinner because I don’t want her to have her feelings hurt by not spending time with her.

I do feel a little guilty about my feelings regarding my in-laws visit this weekend. My husband’s brother died in February and I know this is going to be a difficult Mother’s Day for my mother-in-law. He was 31, had Downs Syndrome, morbidly obese and was kind of ignored by my husband’s mother because her life seriously revolves around her only daughter. It’s very sad. I can’t imagine losing my son…I would be heartbroken. Unfortunately, I only see my mother-in-law focusing on her deceased son now because he is gone. She and my sister-in-law uses his passing as a way to draw attention to themselves. It is disgusting and very disrespectful to my late brother-in-law. I fear that this happy occasion of my first Mother’s Day is going to turn into a very depressing one and my mother-in-law crying out for attention…quite literally actually. I really hope saying all this doesn’t make me come off as being selfish. I am seriously the most selfless person you will ever come in contact with…trust me. I am more than prepared to just be brushed to the side and no one will be able to tell how disappointed I am…I’m really good at going along with what others want and putting a fake smile on my face. It is just easier that way.

So I’ve decided that Friday is going to be Mother & Son day for Finn and I. I still haven’t decided what him and I will be doing for the day, but it has to be as inexpensive as possible because I am broke. Money doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I have a day for just him and I to be together and enjoy it all on our own. Friday will be our Mother’s Day together…I can’t wait!

As some of you may know from my previous posts, life for me has been so difficult and painful. If it wasn’t for my son I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through all that I have. Everything I do and will continue to do is for him because he deserves nothing but the best and all of the happiness in the world. I love you Finn…more than you will ever know…